man, i seriously need to vent. if you don't care, go somewhere else.my blog. my problems...those pretty pictures don't come out of nowhere.
oooook. i'll do happy things towards the end of this. happy stuff can always wait. you never feel as compelled to blog when you're happy.
there is NOTHING on tv, was a good movie on SBS before,but we have crappy reception.
ok was watching 'the banger sisters' because i was THAT BORED (it is NOT a film which i endorse...largely because it has goldie hawn in it, but when nothing is on...)
anyway, and these two sisters are chatting about their mother and their problems etc etc, and i got so depressed....i know i'm prone to this drama queen depression all the time...but seriously, if i chatted to my sister about personal problems like that....i'd have to make some sort of joke or something....be entertaining in some way...
and we never chat like that. well, we chat, but it's never personal, if she wanted to talk about something personal she'd talk to one of her actual friends, or maybe her boyfriend, not that i've ever met him, though he apparently knows about one of the more embarrassing incidents of my life, because it entertains her to tell people. i get slightly more information than my parents, which isnt much at all. all i get to hear is that whatever she told my parents, it was slightly worse, and she didn't say so so that they wouldn't freak out. not that they would anyway, FYI.
we only chat from time to time about my life because i want her to know, i want to share, because im trying to actually have a relationship here. i ask her about her life and if she's in the right mood she'll give me a sentence in reply, otherwise she'll just ignore me. i don't even know if she's a christian, and i lived in the same house as her for most of my life.
it doesn't help that i know that, ideally, she'd love to be on the other side of the world. the person i am (BIOLOGICALLY) closest to would rather be on the other side of the world. fan-bloody-tastic.
farout, when i have kids (yes, WHEN, i'm nice enough, and even if i can't have children i'm adopting) im so having them closer together...the age difference between us just makes her more inclined to see me as her pet.
well, not hers. her parents'.
if i was older she might think that i have more of a right to claim her attention. not that she doesnt care at all, not that she doesnt talk to me, not that she doesnt think im interesting.
it's just all on her time. she sees me because we are related,not because she likes me.and she's my sister, and i love her.so it sucks.
and it's stupid, but this is as good as it gets expressing it.
man, now i feel worse than i did when i started typing. serves me right for sharing.
.................
in addition (yes, im about to talk about GOD. OH NO! because i dont think God sucks suddenly my opinion doesn't matter.
i love God. He loves me. He loves me more than i ever had any right to expect. He would have been well-advised to get rid of me a long time ago, because of what i've done to Him.
But instead of chucking me out, He sends the person He loves best to be KILLED so that i'm ok, and that He and i can start again.
anything i do will never be enough to pay Him back, and He doesn't care, so long and He and i can be how we should be. and we are. and i'm such a sucky person, i'll never stop re-realising how He loves me and how amazing its going to be when i see Him.
And a person i care about reckons that God hates him. to the point that mentioning God makes him cringe. and it's so wrong because i know how much God loves him.it's so horrible, he doesn't think he's all that good, but he's a great person, and farout, if God did all that for me while i'm sooo....then God LOVES this guy, what's more He made him and knows what he's like and wants him to understand how much He loves him.
it's horrible the way this guy thinks God just judges him and doesn't care about him.
because i think it breaks God's heart.
.................
ok, come on, happy happy joy joy (;P tom and justin)
Tom and i have been going out over a year. it's so weird, because he's not bored with me, he still likes me and treats me as though im incredibly special.and he's still so sweet and smart and....not an idiot like a lot of guys, you know?he tries to annoys me when he wants attention, but he knows crap when he sees it, and he knows important things should be treated importantly.
he's a Christian, as am i, he actually recognizes that for how important it is and HELPS me being in a relationship with God. and i can't think of a more amazing guy God could have brought into my life.
the other week we actually fought for the first time. it was great.
not the fighting, at the beginning we got kinda annoyed at each other and that sucked, then we started actually explaining what we meant, and that was ok, but the way we figured out what the problem was, and addressed THAT , it was such a beautiful thing, because it WASNT easy, but we did it anyway, because i know that he's so worth it, and he reckons i'm someone he wants around for a long time.
it made me happy.
happy is good.
oh, and WHILE I'M HERE...
im pretty sure one of my friends recently lost her virginity, and that annoys me so because this guy, no matter how much she likes him, was not worth it, and thats something she has to deal with for the rest of her life now.
no guy is worth it before marriage. tom isn't worth it before marriage.
because it means that you're taking that away from your future husband. and it's significant. i dont want my husband to feel that there's something hurting our intimacy, and i dont want to screw with someone's wife's feelings of security about her husband.
coz it would break my heart if my husband had slept with some girl ages ago. someone else is in a domain NO-ONE else gets to be in. it shouldn't be.
ok, i'm done.
ill go find some pretty flowers...
