Sigh...

Ok. I KNOW this is the way i sometimes portray/present myself (BTW how cool is this dragon!) but BE IT KNOWN to the blogging community, i am actually trying to calm myself down and be a little more...helpful.
I am trying not to rise to the bait anymore, trying not to dominate conversations anymore, trying not to be unhelpfully obnoxious anymore, and trying not to hit anyone anymore.

it is only now that i realise how well i am known for these things, and that makes me really sad.
Most of them are self-explanatory, i spose my cheekiness is one that isn't obvious, but i know that it is unhelpful and unkind, springing from a self-satisfaction i have nurtured and am appalled by.
At this stage I have managed a couple of not-rising-to-the-bait reaction, though i know i failed to do so at least 3 times today, i attempted not to dominate conversation at GAP today, and at Bible study tonight i suceeded - but that was made easy...we were told we had to run through our study quickly to do other church business, a friend warned me that meant i wouldn't be able to talk, and i was so ashamed i didnt speak for a long while.
Being obnoxious is easy, and i haven't managed to avoid that properly. Not hitting anyone...mainly, well, completely, i mean not hitting Tom, nor tickling him. i do that sometimes to make him do what i want. LOL. mainly tickling. i sometimes hit him on the hand if he says something to make me react. this is a cycle i have instigated by reacting.
i have tried not to respond in this way when he's being silly, so far ok, and i have only tickled him once recently, and not upsetting him nor manipulating him. so that's good.

i know it sounds like i'm upset that people won't let me talk, so i won't talk at all, so there!but i have seen negative effects of this behaviour. not much, but enough to make me realise that it actually ISN'T just a fun part of my character, it's an outworking of my own ego. and i cannot stand it. it's disgusting - which sounds like i'm so good for rejecting it - but it is part of ME! i have held onto it, thinking i was clever and funny and right where others were wrong.
it left so little room for respect, love and concern for others. it's got to go, God has shown me that, but as you have seen, it's not a fast process.
i know it sounds extreme, silence is involved in a lot of this process, but it's not believing that my opinion and thoughts don't deserve ANY airtime, it's just that it'll be good for me. i need a clear line to stick to - once i know how to shut up, and am capable of it, i'll be able to speak more wisely.
Obviously i won't be silent all the time coz i do lead a couple of things, but in general, and esp at meetings.

This behaviour isn't self-controlled, nor gentle, nor peaceful, nor patient, nor loving....it has no part with the Spirit in me changing me. i know i won't be able to make myself perfect, that i will not be perfect before the New Creation, but i do know that God changes us, and this is the next thing for me.
Please pray for me and challenge me about how it's going, and at times if i say inappropriate things, let me know.
love, sparkle.